Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
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My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back