The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
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Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Breakfast for Stoners:
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”