Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
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My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
just pretend nothing happened
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I thought this was funny lol