Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
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But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My dog ate my work from home.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.