Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I am never leaving this website
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man