You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
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Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!