cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
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The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
How I’d get arrested…
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Broom by every window for quick escape.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?