No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this