Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
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if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*