I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
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1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!