Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
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My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
okay run it by me one more time
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.