You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
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Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
This squirrel eats better than I do
The “research” scene in every horror movie
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human