My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
You Might Also Like
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal