Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
You Might Also Like
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.