The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
You Might Also Like
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.