Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
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Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
They also CAN sing✌️
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not