1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
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I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Just me?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick