Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
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[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
*struts into the new year
~ trips
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
The old gods are rising again.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.