Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
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No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron