Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
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“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Yep.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
shit, they caught us—run!!!
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
me hitting on a model
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread