I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
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Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like