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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.