My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
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[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?