SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
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[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Meow
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?