Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
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*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?