In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
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Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”