A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.