My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.