It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
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Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
#growingpains
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It