Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
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Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Finally, an explanation.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*