Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
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Jogging
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.