*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
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*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?