THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.