Teamwork makes the dream work.
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Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
…u ok Nintendo?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
knights of the ikea table
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!