Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
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Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.