Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
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Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.