Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
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I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.