Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
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My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.