My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
My flabber has been gasted.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.