Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Birds & Planes.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.