I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
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*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
a lot to unpack here
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.