Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
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what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun