*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
notice
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit