At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
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*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
this is 10/10 content no notes
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery