I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
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If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
happy mother’s day❤️
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?