I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
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Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March