She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
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“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Hot Panini is in big trouble
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?