My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
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If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
excuse me
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Danger is very dangerous
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes