People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.