Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.